It’s almost March. March means another day of birth is soon to be celebrated. Mine to be exact. I have never had qualms with sharing my age as I have always believed that age is just a number. 31. That’s the magic number this year. At least that’s the correct math from the 1984 to 2015. But my soul feels 22 and my body feels like 70 some days. I have accumulated the experiences of a 40 year old on one hand, and on the other hand, I can only claim to know as much as a 19 year old. Which leads to the problem of how to accurately guesstimate my age. But I didn’t start blogging today to talk about my age or date of birth. What I felt in my heart was the nudge to continue the never ending litany of relationship thoughts.
So it goes…When I was in my early, post college years, I felt like I was blessed with two sets of friends. The college friends who are all married and now have children, and the younger friends who were dating and still had a few years until their wedding adventures would begin. Now, in my thirties, I feel like I have three sets of friends. Married, unmarried, and soon to be married. Although I have a handleful of sweet, sweet friends who are still ladies in waiting with me, time seems to be passing. And with its passing, time seems to be tying knots all around me.
I can honestly say these unions make me happy. They are hopeful and beautiful and inspiring. But with each couple’s smiling face staring back at me from the pages of social media I wonder. That haunting question lingering in the back of my mind. “Does a suitable match exist for me?” I have said “no” to a handful of really good guys. But each “no” I was saying now, was supposed to mean I could say, “yes” with all my soul later. But the question lingers, does this person even exist? I mean it’s hard to be hopeful is it not? Hard to trust that The Creator of Adam and Eve made an “Adam” for me too?
What if He only made me? What if the faint ache in my heart for a match, is really just the residual aftermath of being a sinful being, and my match has, and always will be, God? Most days my heart sings “yes” to that answer. But some days, my “single days”, that answer doesn’t seem to be enough. And this is when I can sense, as right now, The Lord is asking for a renewed sense of trust in His goodness. A renewed commitment to believe in His promises. To know it is not about whether or not He created someone for me or not, marriage is not the point of my existence. The reason I was formed in my mother’s womb was to be united with my Creator, not a man. His promise was not marriage, it was that HE would never leave me nor forsake me.
And to this point, my 31 years of age, He has not left me for a single breath. Not for one moment, one daydream, one heartache, one lonely night or puffy eyed morning. Not in my questions, doubts, fears, angry moments, ugly moments or curses. He has never said, “I quit. Figure it out yourself. You ungrateful girl.” No, in these moments He seems to draw nearer, even though I may be a bigger mess than I have ever been before. And at 31 I have begun to see that through all of these seasons of singleness He has been showing me what true covenant truly looks like between a husband and wife. He has been demonstrating what a true Father does for the daughter He adores. He protects her from unworthy pursuers and invites her into a story that only strengthens her identity. So she knows what Her daddy says is true. That this is not a punishment, this isn’t a season for me to get my act together, this isn’t even a season of me learning how to trust more. This is a season in which He is showing me my value, my worth in the eyes of the Universe’s Greatest Dad
And I think, finally, at 31, I am starting to agree with His evaluation of me. I am beginning to see myself through the eyes of my perfect Maker. My God. My Father. My Eternal Husband. And I believe the best part of knowing my identity, is now I can assure you of yours. I can honestly say without blinking, or doubting, or wondering, or hoping it’s really true, that you are the priceless, protected, beloved of the God of the universe. I can say with all confidence that you are seen, not forgotten, your life has purpose, and there is a map for your life even if you can’t read it at all times. You really are on the road to something beautiful. I can plead with you, because I know the impact in my own life, to let Him lead. To never stop praying, pressing in, or pleading with the lover of your soul. Don’t hide anything from Him. He already knows anyway, but if you hide something you are only allowing parts of His character to be obscured from your eyes and heart.
After all, as I said, this is all about us getting to know Him. One season, frustration, heart ache, and question at a time. I still don’t have answers to all my questions. However, I have the only answer I really need, to the question we are all truly asking when we talk to God about future relationships, “Am I gonna be alone?” The answer? “Absolutely never. Not even on your worst day. This is a forever kind of love.”